While Charlie Tu Sleeps, Pandas Play On Rocking Horses
February 9, 2010 by gambypantsWhen You’ve Had Too Many Tacos Eat A Quail Egg
January 27, 2010 by gambypantsCharlie Tu is in Los Angeles capital of Mexicanistan to pay tribute to tanning, tits, and tacos. Tacos in the morning. Tacos in the evening. Tacos after an eight ball. He’s wiped out. So last night he resorted to his gourmet (NYC) tastes in which he feasted on dish of Duck confit salad with endive and poached quail egg. This is called “taco” in Los Angeles.
He Can Cook When He Wants
January 15, 2010 by gambypantsCharlie Tu is away from New York. His mother missed coddling his rump Azn ass so he took off for his homeless shelter origins in Seattle for a vacanza. Whilst there he’s realizing he can cook using more than just salt and eggs. Last night/morning/now(?) he made a dish of chives, dried tomatoes, eggs, broccoli and green beans. FIVE FLAVOR NOTES. Does anyone know what this is called in New York?
Hiiiiiiiiiii, it’s an Explosion in Xie Xie’s Pants!
January 8, 2010 by schnufflesalphonse
The bomb in Charlie’s pants is on the other side. And it’s made of poo.
Unless you count flat-ironing his hair, Charlie has never had an actual job or done anything economically productive in his entire life. Somehow though, he is friends with responsible employed people. “FRIENDS,” REALLY? NO ONE THAT THE FACT CHECKING DEPARTMENT CONTACTED WOULD CONFIRM. – ed.
One of them, a junior vice president for oils, salads and dressings at a $5 billion media company in midtown, invited Charlie for lunch yesterday and for reasons untold, he had to cancel.
THIS SAVED CHARLIE’S LIFE.
‘Why,’ you ask, gentle readers? Because that day it was ordered shut down by the United States Department of Health and Microwave Ovens. LIGHTEN UP ON THE 30 ROCK JOKES. IT MAKES YOU LOOK CHEAP. – ed. If Charlie’s sources in the building are correct, and they probably are, almost 56K people have been sent to the hospital with bleedy diarrhea. CAN YOU THINK OF A LESS OFFENSIVE WORD THAN THE BIG D. IT’S SO… MESSY. – ed.
Anyway, he narrowly escaped a bloody rectum — only to put himself in harm’s way again and again this weekend at the man bars. Zing. WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT CHEAP. THIS ISN’T A WOMAN’S MAGAZINE; CLEAN IT UP. – ed.
CharlieTuEats.ORG
January 8, 2010 by gambypantsHey nerds. While we neglected this site someone slipped through WordPress security and somehow hijacked our original .com URL. Who would do such a thing? Is there really another Azn boy out there like Charlie who likes to eat and cock around and needs to blog about it? Fu*kt up. And scary.
Of course WordPress saved faced and called this “a very rare occurrence…due to a malfunction in the code right at the time [we] tried to renew in October… [They were] so sorry to have to tell [us] this news!!.” That said, in return they left us with a crummy .org only to be banished amongst not-for-profit, NGO, and governmental websites. We don’t feel very special anymore.
notes
December 31, 2009 by gambypants
Frashback! Charlie Goes To School
October 22, 2009 by schnufflesalphonse
“I keep getting a boner in class. Its (sic) really annoying and potentially embarrasing (sic) considering second part of final is presentation.”
- Text message from Charlie a year ago today
Do You Really Know About His Food?
October 21, 2009 by gambypantsPOLITICAL OPINION ALERT: Charlie Tu finds it insulting that a “country” with a dismal Human Rights record would spend its time and money on a blah issue such as Food Safety for kids. Is this really a top concern, comrades? The country of course is China, and its ads from the Beijing Women & Children’s Development Foundation are horrific. Such a nightmare. Baby Charlie Tu dreamt this once when his family was still trapped in the old country in which he too fed on pizza slices topped with shards of glass and hamburgers as scorpion bugs. In the dream however the snowman in a french fry bush didn’t cry for Charlie. He just laughed and laughed and laughed. Like we do now.
“Is his world really safe?”
Umami Is Delicious
October 20, 2009 by gambypantsCharlie Tu has decided that umami (旨味) a basic taste characterized as “tasty”, “brothy”, “meaty” a/k/a MSG is his new favorite seasoning and has thus retired salt as his flavor companion to every dish. CANCER!
Commentary of the Day via Facebook re “Umami”
Me So Racist
October 14, 2009 by schnufflesalphonseCharlie discovered yet another reason to look in the mirror and cry: a comic strip that ran in newspapers nationwide from the 1920s to the 1980s starring a fortune-cookie-spouting ethnic stereotype named Ching Chow. Mr. Ching was based on Charlie’s great-grandfather, an immigrant whose calligraphy skills secured him a modest job as an assistant colorist at the Himmler comic syndicate in Chicago.
According to unsubstantiated family lore, Charlie’s grandfather submitted a proposal for an illustrated version of the Tao Te Ching, a sacred 1,500-year-old text that forms the basis for several religions. His white employer was so taken with the proposal that he commissioned instead a white man with little talent and even less imagination to take up his pen to convey the true Chinese experience. Hence, Ching Chow:
Doesn’t this just perfectly communicate the wisdom and mystery of our fine Oriental brothers?
Refill Required
October 8, 2009 by gambypantsIf Charlie Tu had to raise any terror alert it would be for an empty coffee cup. Never forget! Thankfully some savvy t-shirt designer has come up with something to help.
CHOEBOT
October 8, 2009 by gambypantsMeet David Choe. His new AZN superhero (Korean vampire?) is inspiration for Charlie Tu’s upcoming Spring 2010 fashions, sans the cleavage. Like Charlie she is a street-walker whose favorite color is fuchsia. Her phobias include Persians and parsnip and her powers: breaking hearts and powerful Donkey Punch. Has this designer been reading Charlie Tu’s diary? Check out more here.
Puppy Burrito
October 7, 2009 by gambypants
Markt Table
October 7, 2009 by gambypantsOh Hi! Charlie Tu’s new job has perks. His boss lady, aka, ‘Charlie you need to pick up lunch’ is taking him to Market Table with one of their artist clients. (He works with the avant-garde.) Market Table is known for its hamburgers and Charlie Tu is amped to eat one. We did a Google fact check of the “hamburger” and found that it’s some sort of sandwich consisting of a cooked patty of ground beef placed in an open bun or between two slices of bread. Say what? I hope Charlie can handle it.
Age 60 Is A Good Age To Retire
October 1, 2009 by gambypants
Bernard Madoff Gets Rimmed By Financial Crisis
September 30, 2009 by gambypantsAZN artist Chen Wenling speaks to Charlie Tu’s populist roots with his inspired sculpture, What You See Might Not Be Real. He cannot wait to see what he comes up with for Senator’s Baucus’ Rape of the Public Option.
[BBC]
Pizza Tastes Better With A Punk
September 29, 2009 by gambypantsAccording to conventional New York wisdom or err… some guy in Brooklyn, pizza was invented in New York and if you say otherwise, you’ll get your face kicked in. So don’t even get me started! Charlie Tu agrees. (He’s a bottom.) So last night/morning he and some queercore punk got hungers and went to a pizza joint getting a lot of buzz, Artichoke Pizza, in the East Village, which is conveniently located next to Nowhere bar a/k/a Charlie Tu’s second home/health care provider. Did it live up to all the hype? Indeed. The punk and he agree it is the best, but only in Manhattan and maybe parts of Brooklyn, but don’t let anyone know that lest they get their asses kicked. Street cred.
Charlie Tu As A Mad “Man”
September 24, 2009 by gambypantsBetween Eat and Poop, Charlie Tu was bored so he made a Mad Man of himself based on the teevee series on AMC. He adores the show. Charlie envies a job which requires only heavy drinking, attractive clothing, and loose morals. The office manager at the Ad agency Sterling Cooper is his role model. Her name is Joan. Joan Holloway. And she draws power and influence from the vunerable men around her and still looks good in a dress. Does Charlie?
Paperwork Makes Charlie Tu Hungry, Too
September 22, 2009 by gambypantsCharlie’s worked his little nimble hands and sharp mind all morning long but now he’s too tired and just wants lemon Angel Food cake instead. Brain food. As a kid Charlie endured hours of math drills before he ever got fed. He liked to impress his peers i.e. little Billy Bud Bud.
Such a tease.
Charlie Can Eat All Of This And Still Have Room For Breakfast
September 18, 2009 by gambypantsIn US of England ppl love to eat sausage and bacon and fried eggs and pancakes and tomatoes for breakfast–even on the go! So it comes as no surprise that a local cafe would try to capitalize on this English custom and challenge its patrons to a breakfast eating contest of epic proportions. Burp. Behold, the first international Charlie Tu Eats food eating challenge, or as he likes to call it breakfast:
10 eggs, 10 bacon, 10 sausage, 10 toast, 5 black puddings, tomatoes, beans and mushrooms: Eat it all in 20 mins without a drink and you get it free!
Someone get Charlie to England.
